To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for your inquiry about the available space in my apartment. As ads in the newspaper are priced per word, I was unable to detail the nature of my living situation, but have written to you to detail the others who also share the space in hopes that it will help you make an informed decision; it is important to be completely informed when making a big commitment such as co-renting an apartment. I hope you find this letter thorough and informative.
There’s a girl who lives in my freezer. Every day she comes out crumpled in a different way, as in with some new deformity. I think she does it to herself. Her body must reset at night, because some days she will appear having torn out the left side of her hair, and the next day it will have completely grown back.
Then there’s the man who lives under my bed, Mr. Johnson, who I have never heard speak. He works very late so I don’t see him often. He’ll tip his bowler hat to me on his way out at 11pm and I am asleep by the time he returns. I haven’t inquired as to what he does; I’m afraid it has been too long and it’d be rude to ask.
There’s also the one down my drain. He likes to lick up the stubs when I shave my legs. He is often left starving. Besides the moaning, you will hardly notice that he’s there. All he asks is that if we call a plumber, we give him two days notice so that he can make other arrangements.
Finally, there’s a couple that lives under the rug; they love each other too much and are slowly devouring one another. Not in a poetic sense, no, I’m using “devour” quite literally. A missing pinky here, a bite out of the bicep there. Soon their space will be available. I wonder, when all that is left are the mouths, which one will get the last bite.
I think they all live here because the main light fixture in the apartment is a bare bulb with a chain. If the bulb had a shade, it would attract a different sort of people. For example, the girl from my freezer once came to me with bloody eyelids, claiming someone had super-glued her eyes shut and she had had to cut them back open. She is, unfortunately, not good with a knife, and both lash lines ended up on the top lid. If the bulb had had a shade, I’m sure the person residing in my freezer would be good with a knife.
Perhaps this is perturbing to you. I hope it is not. They really are a pleasant an easygoing bunch. They don’t make a ruckus or leave trash out, which would be a problem, as we had a reoccurring roach infestation a few months ago.
Again, thank you for your interest. You should receive the application in the mail in no more than three days time.
Warm Regards and Best Wishes,